that awkward phone call

That awkward phone call


that I just received
from a friend
I've had since the 5th grade.

Not said out right,
but clearly implied,
was,
" I miss you".

The irony,
that just hours earlier,
I wrote a piece
about being missed.

So the phone call
was very awkward
and uncomfortable.

 It ended awkwardly
with
 "let me know when you are receiving visitors".

Ouch! That really stung.

I was tense the whole time.

She brought up facebook
(on which I have gone M.I.A.
since summer of 2011!
at which point
I ran away to twitter)

You can run, but you can't hide.
 Life exists, and it is calling.

How much longer
can I stay
down this rabbit hole?
I like it down here,
in my world.
It is safe.


But my world
includes the people
whom I've excluded
pushed away
Hurt.

Because I am cognizant of how much I've hurt people.
And I feel so much guilt and shame over it.

I owe so many people apologies.

My departure was very sudden.

The onset of depression
crept over me
caught me unaware
so that it was a very
gradual process
that overtook me
in which I lost interest
in everything

Speaking to people
began to feel like a chore

So many questions
about how I was doing
every
single
day.

As if my pain
and my condition
miraculously improved
in the course of
24 hours

Then there was the energy
which I did not have
to reciprocate
and get involved
in their daily lives as well
to ask questions
to engage in conversations

I couldn't engage in life

engaging
was so difficult
that I withdrew

so many unanswered calls
texts
emails

so many people
with whom I lost touch
people
who care about me
and must be feeling
hurt
confused
shunned

when they did nothing wrong


It's not you, it's me
 it really is me.
Or my depression

Depression
that is like a
captor
that has me locked away
from reality
imprisoned

but eventually the captive
must be freed
if not by will
then by force

I have to fight back
I am fighting back
daily

I give myself credit for that
slowly I am coming out of it
that depression

I am not the person I was a year ago

the person who "ran away" from facebook
and the person I am now
are two completely separate individuals
and yet they aren't

Is this a lie I am telling myself?

Is it that I am someone different
or that I am denying
and repressing a part of myself
the part
that is too painful
for me to acknowledge

There is a world out there
that I do belong to
whether I choose to accept it or not

While it is safe to be
down the rabbit hole
I can't stay here forever
it is not therapeutic

I can't hide behind
my diagnoses

And I realize now
that it is
 exactly 
what I've been doing

Yes,
I have PTSD
but how will I heal
if I don't address my fears
my triggers

Because the people,
places
and things
which I am avoiding
are
the people
places
and
things
which I need in my life

Maybe this call was a reality check for me
a reminder that I am missed
because I am wanted
and because I want it too.

I want to rejoin the world
I have changed
each day I grow
I've met new people
but I can't erase my past

Most importantly
I am not alone
I belong to a community
to my family
my friends

Even though I get in my way
though I lock myself up
and don't allow anyone else in

I can't blame the depression
it is not the captor
rather
it is me

I need to work on
bringing myself out
of this cage
and destroying it
to prevent myself
from feeling tempted

because once I lock myself up
it is so tempting
to throw away the key
and never
let myself out

yet that is no way
to live 
and it is not what I want

#HAWMC Day 23 Health Activist Choice #2 Personal Responsibility

#HAWMC Day 23 Health Activist Choice 2: Personal Responsibility

“If I get through this year, kicking my demon when it comes up, I’ll face the field of life, instead of running from it the minute it hurts.” - Sylvia Plath


At my doctor’s appointment, which took place last Friday, I learned that I have Fibromyalgia. While it is one more diagnosis to add to my trilogy (Crohn’s, Depression, and PTSD), it is a relief. I have an answer as to why I have been experiencing so much body aches/pain and fatigue. And having a diagnosis means treatment. I was started on Gabapentin, which I began taking on Friday and to date has brought me relief. It is so reassuring to now have an explanation for why I’ve been feeling so horrible these past few months. Of course, it also means one more obstacle to overcome.


My doctor and I had a long discussion about the courses of treatment to help me treat the Fibro. While it’s not a life threatening illness, it is a chronic illness, which can be triggered by stress. As we discussed my treatment plan, my very perceptive doctor, addressed my need to not only take personal responsibility, but to face things which I’ve been avoiding. I have been avoiding so much lately. I’ve grown too comfortable by staying home (due to my anxiety about going out), yet by not challenging myself, I won’t grow. By not addressing my fears, I am not giving myself the opportunity to overcome them. I am letting my fears control my life. And in that sense, I am creating a block for myself. All the while that this discussion with my doctor was taking place, I was feeling increasingly nervous and resistant. I even felt resentful towards my doctor: how dare she push me towards something which makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable! Ha! The nerve of her suggesting something which would be of benefit to me! ;)


I have had all weekend to reflect on this. I must hold myself accountable for all the things I’ve been avoiding. I have been hindering my growth. It’s so easy for me to choose to stay home, rather than go out and increase my anxiety. My anxiety set in last Thursday evening in anticipation of my doctor & therapy appointments on Friday! Even though I was able to get out of the house and drive myself to my appointments and afterwards to the pharmacy, the anxiety was my companion and it was very high. When taking my blood pressure, the nurse remarked on high high my pulse was. My hands were shaking (in part as a response to the coffee I’d consumed) out of my anxiety. Yet, for all the anxiety I felt, I got out of the house, went to my appointments, drove around for a bit, came back home. The point is that no matter how anxious I felt, I took myself out of my comfort zone, and I survived! While the worst of anxiety makes me feel as if I’m going to die (not being melodramatic here, a panic attack is awful) I didn’t! I survived it! And it was nice to be outside of the house.


My doctor made a good point. I need to challenge myself more. To take myself out, even if it’s for a drive, start out small and gradually build up to something larger. The point is to get out. So that I may re-join society rather than avoid it. Because that is what I’ve been doing all this time: avoiding. Running from myself. From my friends. Hiding in fear. But that is no way to live. To be in a constant state of fear. Prior to my surgery I was a highly functional person. I miss that. I want to go back to that. I know I’ve got it in me. But the key is to take the first step towards getting back to that place. I refuse to let my “limitations” prevent me from living as full of a life as possible. I would be lying to myself if I said that my “limitations” are defined by my illnesses. That is not true. My only limitation is myself. I get in my own way. I am not holding myself accountable.


My goal for the week is holding myself accountable for things I’ve been avoiding and what I need to do.


Per my newest treatment plan for my Fibromyalgia, my doctor has suggested I look into: yoga/meditation/acupuncture classes. Per my therapist, my goal for the week is to follow up on a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in pain. I am also to set up treatment with a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


It’s a reasonable goal as most of it consists of making phone calls. I have a particular clinic (where I feel safe & comfortable) that offers acupuncture. My goal is to go at least twice this week to receive treatment. It will be good for me as it will not only get me out of the house, but acupuncture always leaves me feeling very relaxed and pain free.


There is a lesson here. Much like the Sylvia Plath quote I’ve included, my lesson is that I must stop running from my fear and anxiety. Most importantly, I must stop running from myself. Only then will I be able to gain the strength, confidence and courage to live rather than hide. To let myself out of my cage and live life. It is time. I acknoweldge it is a process. I’ve got a long way to go. It won’t be easy. But I believe I’ve got it in me to overcome these obstacles.






@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for

http://www.whatthejules.com/april/337-hawmc-day-23-health-activist-choice-2-personal-responsibility