Neither an Ambush, nor an Intervention but a Friendly visit.

 

(originally written on Thurs, June 7th)

 

 

 

 

I am feeling so good right now. And also quite guilty.

My friends just left. It was such a great visit. My first thought is that I am so blessed to have such amazing, supportive people in my life.

Upon seeing them, my first reaction was happiness followed by tears: of guilt, of happiness to see them because I had missed them so much.

The visit consisted of catching up, as it's been a long time since I've seen them. But the main message that I got was that they are here for me. That I am not alone. My friends offered to support me to doctor's appt's. They even offered to drive me. How lucky am I?

I told them about my PTSD, of which they were supportive and understanding.

I am just so beyond honored to reconnect with these amazing individuals. To receive their love and support is very humbling. Because a part of me feels that I don't deserve it, after how I've treated them. Yet, this is, again, distorted thinking. I do deserve their friendship. I am worth it. We all deserve to have people in our lives who care about us, support us, LOVE us.

I discussed with them, what I've been thinking about lately, which is surgery. It's been on my mind all week. Anyway, I've got an appt. w/my NP tomorrow. I plan on discussing this with her. I finally feel ready, both physically but most importantly, emotionally. It has taken me a long time to get to *this* place. To finally say, I am ready to take the next step. My decision is further validated after today's visit w/my friends. One of them, who is a very take charge kinda gal, offered to go to my GI and Surgeon appt's. I would normally wave it off, with the excuse that I can handle it on my own, and that I don't want to bother anyone. But I am no longer going to deprive myself of my needs. Instead, I thanked her and I *will* take her up on the offer. Because I do need the support. I am moving forward. Today's visit was a small step forward, but it was a step. As such, it must be acknowledged.

I was not looking forward to this visit. At all. I felt so resentful because I felt threatened. After all, it meant stepping out of my comfort zone. I had to step out of my cage. I contemplated calling them last night to ask them to reschedule, but I didn't. I honor my commitments and hate cancelling -- the only exception is if I'm really in a lot of pain-- therefore I allowed myself to do something of which I was afraid.

I felt guilt and shame, because by avoiding my friends, I hurt them. Seeing them also meant confronting my past, because they witnessed all that I went through whilst hospitalized. My fear was that in seeing them, my PTSD would be triggered. I was afraid that I would have flashbacks.

What I learned from the visit was that I am loved. How could I resist that?


I also agreed to meet w/them on Tuesday evening, to go to a support group. We'll most likely go to dinner before or after the meeting. Making these plans is a big deal for me. I am once again going to step out of my cage for a bit.

I must destroy this cage, because this is preventing me from connecting with people who can help me.

I am healing, which is such a slow process. Yet why rush it? As I talked with my friends, I was able to reflect on what has kept me away.

My commitment to them is to make myself available, as opposed to hiding. I own the fact that I push people away when I most need them.

Not only are they my friends, but one of them is a fellow patient. All of them are connected somehow to my disease.


Today was a very good day. I am so glad that I faced this fear and overcame it. I know I've got more things to do as I work through my PTSD and Depression. I can and will do this. At my own pace. I have already begun taking steps.