Yesterday I received a call from some friends whom I've not seen/talked to in over a year... whom I've been avoiding. Anyway, they called to tell me they are coming to hang out with me today. To. tell. me. I feel so violated: it feels more like an ambush or an intervention, than a visit, by the way in which their wording was phrased. I was not included in the decision. I didn't get to say, "Sure, come on over." Because I wasn't given a choice. I was told. As a control freak, THIS is not easy for me to accept. The loss of having any say in the matter, leaves me feeling so unsettled.
I am feeling so many emotions right now. I'm feeling major anxiety as my PTSD is being triggered, as well as a loss of control (or the illusion that I even have any control to begin with). I have avoided these particular friends for a reason. And now, to see them, after all this time... is in fact triggering my PTSD. Big time.
I did not speak up for myself, out of guilt. I feel I owe it to them to have them visit me. I have been selfish in avoiding them. Yet, I feel resentful, because I don't feel ready. I also feel overwhelmed, because it's not one friend coming to hang out w/me, but THREE!!! Holy space invasion, Batman! THIS is why it feels like an intervention/Ambush. The guilt is furthered by the fact that I know my friends' intentions are good (then again, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I digress).
My thinking is so distorted. It's to be expected, as it is part of my PTSD, but that doesn't make it ok. Though my initial response is resentment, at the core, is fear. Because the visit will lead to the inevitable question of why I've been avoiding them. I will have to expose myself, and once again, become vulnerable. But of what am I afraid? These are my friends, who love me, who care so much about me, who visited me frequently whilst I was hospitalized. My friends, who continue to love me, despite how badly I've treated them. Who still care about me, though I did my best to push them away. I should be excited to see them, yet as I type this, I am in tears.
The impending visit upsets me because I will have to expose myself and be vulnerable. I will have to be honest, by letting down my guard. I will have to lose the pretense that I am strong (only a pretense which I put up for others, not for myself). I fear that they will see my weakness. I can no longer hide. I am being pulled out of my comfort zone, against my will. I am fully aware that being vulnerable, that letting down my guard, does not make me weak. But I have yet to fully accept this. *Le sigh* I am my own worst enemy. I hold myself back. I know I do this, yet it is my biggest challenge.
Their visit will inevitably lead to my wounds bleeding once more. These wounds which barely have a scab over them, will once more become open. Or will they?
I am dealing with an internal conflict right now. I am cognizant that I must first acknowledge and identify my distorted thinking. Here I must practice some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( CBT) tactics on myself. My distorted thinking is leading me to catastrophize the whole thing: I am focusing on the worst that can happen. Thus it becomes a vicious cycle that perpuatates the feelings which further arouse my PTSD. Now that I've identified where my thinking is taking me, the next step is to work through this. What is the worst that can happen? I break down and cry in front of them. And then what? They comfort me. And show me the support I need and which I've been too proud to accept. THIS!!!!
The next step is to acknowledge how great of an ice-breaker this visit will be. As it will be an exposure to one of the things which triggers my PTSD. Because my triggers are: people, places and things which remind me of my hospitalization. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that I would avoid people whose presence takes me back to that time. But for healing to take place, I must fully participate in overcoming that trauma (hmmm. I dunno if that is the term I'm looking for. Can PTSD be fully overcome? Ever? Must further look into this) . Or, if not fully overcoming, at least take a step in that direction. Because by avoiding, I have been holding myself back. And keeping people out, which is not fair to them. Or to me.
One of the techniques used in CBT, is Aversive Conditioning, whereby an individual is exposed to his/her triggers (as many times as necessary) until that trigger becomes "normalized" thus decreasing any response. For me, this will be achieved through resuming contact with friends, as well as through getting comfortable with hospital environments. It means accepting my fear/aversion to certain people, whilst also acknowledging that no harm will come to me.
Can I focus on the positive, rather than the negative? Instead of feeling dread and resentment towards my friends' impending visit, can I instead feel excited and look forward to it? I have the choice that will affect how I make it through the rest of the day. I choose to acknowledge my fears yet also look on the bright side. Today's visit will be significant because it will help me re-establish connections with my friends. It is time. I have been stalled for far too long. I choose to look forward to today with excitement (albeit nervous) . It will be a good thing, for me and for them.
On a lighter note, to borrow from some of my favorite Twitter hashtags: #GirlsGotIssues thus I shall be #ForeverAlone. Obvious attempt at using humour as a defense mechanism is obvious!
