#HAWMC Day 3 Wordless Wednesday

Today’s Prompt:

• Post a picture that symbolizes your condition and your experiences.

 
Frida Kahlo, Without Hope, (1945)

A friendly visit, an Intervention, or an Ambush?

Yesterday I received a call from some friends whom I've not seen/talked to in over a year... whom I've been avoiding. Anyway, they called to tell me they are coming to hang out with me today. To. tell. me. I feel so violated: it feels more like an ambush or an intervention, than a visit, by the way in which their wording was phrased. I was not included in the decision. I didn't get to say, "Sure, come on over." Because I wasn't given a choice. I was told. As a control freak, THIS is not easy for me to accept. The loss of having any say in the matter, leaves me feeling so unsettled.

I am feeling so many emotions right now. I'm feeling major anxiety as my PTSD is being triggered, as well as a loss of control (or the illusion that I even have any control to begin with). I have avoided these particular friends for a reason. And now, to see them, after all this time... is in fact triggering my PTSD. Big time.

I did not speak up for myself, out of guilt. I feel I owe it to them to have them visit me. I have been selfish in avoiding them. Yet, I feel resentful, because I don't feel ready. I also feel overwhelmed, because it's not one friend coming to hang out w/me, but THREE!!! Holy space invasion, Batman! THIS is why it feels like an intervention/Ambush. The guilt is furthered by the fact that I know my friends' intentions are good (then again, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions", but I digress).


My thinking is so distorted. It's to be expected, as it is part of my PTSD, but that doesn't make it ok. Though my initial response is resentment, at the core, is fear. Because the visit will lead to the inevitable question of why I've been avoiding them. I will have to expose myself, and once again, become vulnerable. But of what am I afraid? These are my friends, who love me, who care so much about me, who visited me frequently whilst I was hospitalized. My friends, who continue to love me, despite how badly I've treated them. Who still care about me, though I did my best to push them away. I should be excited to see them, yet as I type this, I am in tears.


The impending visit upsets me because I will have to expose myself and be vulnerable. I will have to be honest, by letting down my guard. I will have to lose the pretense that I am strong (only a pretense which I put up for others, not for myself). I fear that they will see my weakness. I can no longer hide. I am being pulled out of my comfort zone, against my will. I am fully aware that being vulnerable, that letting down my guard, does not make me weak. But I have yet to fully accept this. *Le sigh* I am my own worst enemy. I hold myself back. I know I do this, yet it is my biggest challenge.


Their visit will inevitably lead to my wounds bleeding once more. These wounds which barely have a scab over them, will once more become open. Or will they?


I am dealing with an internal conflict right now. I am cognizant that I must first acknowledge and identify my distorted thinking. Here I must practice some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( CBT) tactics on myself. My distorted thinking is leading me to catastrophize the whole thing: I am focusing on the worst that can happen. Thus it becomes a vicious cycle that perpuatates the feelings which further arouse my PTSD. Now that I've identified where my thinking is taking me, the next step is to work through this. What is the worst that can happen? I break down and cry in front of them. And then what? They comfort me. And show me the support I need and which I've been too proud to accept. THIS!!!!

The next step is to acknowledge how great of an ice-breaker this visit will be. As it will be an exposure to one of the things which triggers my PTSD. Because my triggers are: people, places and things which remind me of my hospitalization. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that I would avoid people whose presence takes me back to that time. But for healing to take place, I must fully participate in overcoming that trauma  (hmmm. I dunno if that is the term I'm looking for. Can PTSD be fully overcome? Ever? Must further look into this) . Or, if not fully overcoming, at least take a step in that direction. Because by avoiding, I have been holding myself back. And keeping people out, which is not fair to them. Or to me.


One of the techniques used in CBT, is Aversive Conditioning, whereby an individual is exposed to his/her triggers (as many times as necessary) until that trigger becomes "normalized" thus decreasing any response. For me, this will be achieved through resuming contact with friends, as well as through getting comfortable with hospital environments. It  means accepting my fear/aversion to certain people, whilst also  acknowledging  that no harm will come to me.

 

Can I focus on the positive, rather than the negative? Instead of feeling dread and resentment towards my friends' impending visit, can I instead feel excited and look forward to it? I have the choice that will affect how I make it through the rest of the day. I choose to acknowledge my fears yet also look on the bright side. Today's visit will be significant because it will help me re-establish connections with my friends. It is time. I have been stalled for far too long. I choose to look forward to today with excitement (albeit nervous) . It will be a good thing, for me and for them.

 

On a lighter note, to borrow from some of my favorite Twitter hashtags: #GirlsGotIssues thus I shall be #ForeverAlone. Obvious attempt at using humour as a defense mechanism is obvious!

Scars

 

 

It's been said that "Time heals all wounds."

 

To which I call

Bullshit.

 

Time does not heal all wounds.

Because some wounds don't heal.

They become scars

that become imprinted in our brains

in our soul.

 

Wounds of the psyche are so much worse

than those which are physical.

What can be seen eventually heals.

 

The wounds of the soul

that can't be seen

or explained

are worse.

 

 

People can't tell, by looking at you, that you are in pain

A visible scar shows some type of trauma happened somewhere on the body

 

 

but what about the scars that cut deeper

that cut through the layer of skin

down to the soul

that never heal

that can't be seen

but that are there with us

 

time will never heal those wounds

there is no salve which can be applied to them

to lessen their visibility

 

there may be medications which we are given

when that pain becomes so deep

that psychological intervention is needed

yet unless we take a pill which erases from our memory

the trauma which caused that wound

the scar will always be there

a tattoo on our soul

 

scars which can easily break open

wounds which can bleed at anytime

these scars which are so deeply embedded in our psyche

that resist treatment

scars which never fully heal

neither do we

 

therefore

to say that time heals all wounds is an utter lie

an illusion

something we tell ourselves and others

to give hope

a false hope

because the truth is we will always remember

and as long as we do

the pain will be felt

 

our task then becomes acknowledging the scars

and learning to live with it

learning to live with the pain

because it will never go away

no matter how much time has passed

Chaos

 * painting by Lori Earley

       “You must have chaos within you

         to give birth to a dancing star.”

                        ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I took a break from writing because the tone felt too dark. Writing has been a very cathartic experience, yet it is uncovering wounds which will take time to heal.

Lately I have been feeling so melancholic. Some days I will wallow in the dark thoughts, yet I must remember and try to also look towards the light. I may be a pragmatist but I am also an optimist. While I acknowledge the therapeutic benefit of allowing myself to be vulnerable, I don't want to just focus on the darkness. 

I was inspired both by the painting and the quote, to help me focus on the light as well. I don't want to get so lost inside myself, that I get lost in the darkness. It's good for me to get in touch with , and work through, whatever inner turmoil I may be experiencing. I can identify and work through them. The ultimate understanding is the duality: in sorrow, pain, grief, there too shall be healing, happiness. I have to remind myself that how I'm feeling is only temporary.

#WegoHealth: "You think you know, but you have no idea..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

You think you know what it's like to live with Crohn's Disease; a chronic, invisible,  incurable illness, but you have no idea.

 

You think you know what it's like to miss me, but you have no idea what it's like for me to miss myself.

 

 

 

Those 3 dreaded words:

 

 "I miss you." 

 

They make me feel resentment and sadness.

Because as much as you may miss me,

I miss myself even more.

 

Most people would feel some kind of relief at being missed by their loved ones and friends. It signifies we are important to that person. That our absence is felt from their life. Because of the positive impact we left on them.

 

But what happens when you suddenly become chronically ill, and who you are, becomes who you were?

 

It's even more difficult when the chronic illness is also one which is invisible. Outward appearances are deceiving,

yet it is so difficult for so many who know me to grasp.

 

 

My outsides don't match my insides.

I may look the same

 but inside,

I'm a mess.

 

During this past year and a half I've been through a lot.

Much like a soldier who has gone to combat

 and returns a shell of him/herself,

I too feel the change in me.

I am no longer who I was.

 

 

I miss who I used to be.

 

It's horrible, because I know I can never go back.

I have a hard time looking at pictures of myself,

because I see a stranger.

It's almost as if I disassociate because,

I know it's me,

and at the same time,

she couldn't be more of a stranger.

 

 I grieve for her.

The Kat pre-surgery.

Whose life was about to change drastically.

Who was about to undergo

the most traumatic experience of her life.

 

A part of her died.

She was altered

fragmented

into

the before

and the after

 

So when you say you miss "me"

I feel sad and also afraid

because I don't want to disappoint you.

You may think I'm strong

brave

courageous

cheerful

 but inside I'm doing everything I can

to hold myself together

because I'm falling apart.

It's hard to pretend I'm ok

when I'm not.

 

So I end up avoiding friends and family.

Because it's too much work

to be pretend to be the Kat they know.

The one they are comfortable with.

The Kat who no longer  exists.

 

 I don't want to worry anyone

or let anyone down.

I don't want anyone's pity.

So I retreat into myself

and shut myself away.

 Because it's so much easier

than putting on a fake smile,

and say I'm ok.

I hate being fake.

It's not in my nature.

 

You think you know

what it's like

 to miss me,

as if I'm intentionally avoiding you.

 

When in reality,

I am protecting you

from seeing me fall apart,

from giving you the burden

of feeling you have to help

put me back together.

 

 

You think you know

what it's like

 to miss me,

 but you have no idea

Because as much as you may miss me,

I miss myself even more.

 

So Broken

Can't find a better way to describe how I'm feeling right now.

This song does it perfectly.

Song: Björk - So Broken (Unreleased)




Lyrics:
So broken
In pieces
My heart is so broken
I'm puzzling


Here I go
Trying to run ahead of that
Heart break train
Thinking
It will never catch up with me


I'm so broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
So broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
heðan-biður


I'm trying to land
This aeroplane of ours gracefully
But it seems just destined to crash


I'm so broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
My heart is so broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
How can, how can
And I sense

All continuity
Has vanished away
At one step at a time now baby, baby

I'm so broken
Heðan-liður-afte-care
I'm-m-m-mmm...so broken
Heðan-biður-afte-care
Yeah, ha-ee, ha-ee, ha-mmm


I'm so
Completely unhealable, baby

I'm so broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
So broken
heðan-biður-afte-care
heðan-biður

#HAWMC Day 23 Health Activist Choice #2 Personal Responsibility

#HAWMC Day 23 Health Activist Choice 2: Personal Responsibility

“If I get through this year, kicking my demon when it comes up, I’ll face the field of life, instead of running from it the minute it hurts.” - Sylvia Plath


At my doctor’s appointment, which took place last Friday, I learned that I have Fibromyalgia. While it is one more diagnosis to add to my trilogy (Crohn’s, Depression, and PTSD), it is a relief. I have an answer as to why I have been experiencing so much body aches/pain and fatigue. And having a diagnosis means treatment. I was started on Gabapentin, which I began taking on Friday and to date has brought me relief. It is so reassuring to now have an explanation for why I’ve been feeling so horrible these past few months. Of course, it also means one more obstacle to overcome.


My doctor and I had a long discussion about the courses of treatment to help me treat the Fibro. While it’s not a life threatening illness, it is a chronic illness, which can be triggered by stress. As we discussed my treatment plan, my very perceptive doctor, addressed my need to not only take personal responsibility, but to face things which I’ve been avoiding. I have been avoiding so much lately. I’ve grown too comfortable by staying home (due to my anxiety about going out), yet by not challenging myself, I won’t grow. By not addressing my fears, I am not giving myself the opportunity to overcome them. I am letting my fears control my life. And in that sense, I am creating a block for myself. All the while that this discussion with my doctor was taking place, I was feeling increasingly nervous and resistant. I even felt resentful towards my doctor: how dare she push me towards something which makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable! Ha! The nerve of her suggesting something which would be of benefit to me! ;)


I have had all weekend to reflect on this. I must hold myself accountable for all the things I’ve been avoiding. I have been hindering my growth. It’s so easy for me to choose to stay home, rather than go out and increase my anxiety. My anxiety set in last Thursday evening in anticipation of my doctor & therapy appointments on Friday! Even though I was able to get out of the house and drive myself to my appointments and afterwards to the pharmacy, the anxiety was my companion and it was very high. When taking my blood pressure, the nurse remarked on high high my pulse was. My hands were shaking (in part as a response to the coffee I’d consumed) out of my anxiety. Yet, for all the anxiety I felt, I got out of the house, went to my appointments, drove around for a bit, came back home. The point is that no matter how anxious I felt, I took myself out of my comfort zone, and I survived! While the worst of anxiety makes me feel as if I’m going to die (not being melodramatic here, a panic attack is awful) I didn’t! I survived it! And it was nice to be outside of the house.


My doctor made a good point. I need to challenge myself more. To take myself out, even if it’s for a drive, start out small and gradually build up to something larger. The point is to get out. So that I may re-join society rather than avoid it. Because that is what I’ve been doing all this time: avoiding. Running from myself. From my friends. Hiding in fear. But that is no way to live. To be in a constant state of fear. Prior to my surgery I was a highly functional person. I miss that. I want to go back to that. I know I’ve got it in me. But the key is to take the first step towards getting back to that place. I refuse to let my “limitations” prevent me from living as full of a life as possible. I would be lying to myself if I said that my “limitations” are defined by my illnesses. That is not true. My only limitation is myself. I get in my own way. I am not holding myself accountable.


My goal for the week is holding myself accountable for things I’ve been avoiding and what I need to do.


Per my newest treatment plan for my Fibromyalgia, my doctor has suggested I look into: yoga/meditation/acupuncture classes. Per my therapist, my goal for the week is to follow up on a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in pain. I am also to set up treatment with a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.


It’s a reasonable goal as most of it consists of making phone calls. I have a particular clinic (where I feel safe & comfortable) that offers acupuncture. My goal is to go at least twice this week to receive treatment. It will be good for me as it will not only get me out of the house, but acupuncture always leaves me feeling very relaxed and pain free.


There is a lesson here. Much like the Sylvia Plath quote I’ve included, my lesson is that I must stop running from my fear and anxiety. Most importantly, I must stop running from myself. Only then will I be able to gain the strength, confidence and courage to live rather than hide. To let myself out of my cage and live life. It is time. I acknoweldge it is a process. I’ve got a long way to go. It won’t be easy. But I believe I’ve got it in me to overcome these obstacles.






@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for

http://www.whatthejules.com/april/337-hawmc-day-23-health-activist-choice-2-personal-responsibility

#HAWMC Day 22: Things We Forget

#HAWMC Day 22 Things We Forget

The Things We Forget

We can all use a reminder from time to time. We’re busy – Health Activists especially – balancing life, health, and online community is a challenge. When juggling so many things at once – it can be easy to forget the basic, yet fundamental, things that we know to be true (or important).


For today’s prompt – write yourself a reminder. It can be in the form of an online post. Maybe your reminder is related to health or well-being. Maybe it’s focused on staying positive. Maybe it’s a little joke that you have with yourself. Maybe it’s dedicated to your community. Or maybe it’s something related to writing (Cross your T’s and Dot Your I’s! – Spell Check is your Friend!). No matter what you decide to come up with – consider it a little piece of writing – and exercise your ability to be concise but powerful.



The first “reminder” I have chosen is an actual picture and quote of Frida Kahlo’s. It’s one which I like very much and would make into a magnet. Or I could print it out and tape it on my wall.


The reason I chose this particular pic/quote is because of the theme which is consistent with my last two HAWMC posts. And that would be the feeling of displacement. Lately I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m in a state of transition that for now has me feeling like I’ve lost my place in the world. As someone who is chronically ill and home bound, it’s easy to feel that I’ve lost my place. But beyond that, is also the feeling of being different, broken, fragmented, which I’m sure is partly due to my struggle with depression. Not only do I feel displaced within the world, but within myself. I feel broken.


T


Thus, this quote, ” I used to think I was the strangest person in the world. But then I thought, there are so many people in the world. There must be someone like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true, I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”


It’s amazing how deeply this quote touches me. As I type this quote I not only have goosebumps, but I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. It’s as if Frida wrote this for me. I relate to her in so many ways. I feel so comforted by her words. Like her, I also feel so flawed and shattered right now. I feel displaced. I don’t know where I fit in, because there is nowhere for me. It makes me feel like I’m ok, even though I may be “displaced”, someone else has felt this way too. After all, she wrote that to me, as I’m the one reading it, and I picture her sitting here with me, telling me these words. And I suddenly don’t feel so alone. I feel ok. After all, she was. She led a full life, on her terms, and despite the pain, was unstoppable. I want to be as fearless as she was. Therefore my reminders are that: it’s ok to be different, I shouldn’t worry about “fitting in”. Rather I should embrace being different, being “strange” just as Frida did. She didn’t try to adapt to the world, instead, she made her own place in the world, through her fearlessness. She embraced her individuality. It can serve as a reminder to me when I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m not good enough.  





 The second “reminder” is geared at my depression. I’ve talked about falling “down the rabbit hole” into the depths and darkness of my depression. Thus my reminder is the following quote:








“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.” - Brene Brown


Falling “down the rabbit hole” into depression is a very scary experience. In the depths of my depression it’s easy to focus on the negative, on the darkness. Yet, as stated in the above quote, my depression may be seen as shedding light to issues I need to face. It can be seen in a positive way, by allowing me to work on myself, to give myself the opportunity to grow. It is my own fears that “cast the joys into the shadows”, allowing me to only see and focus on the darkness, the despair. It’s common for someone who is depressed to feel that the pain of depression will never go away. To feel hopeless, dis-empowered. Yet it can be a time from which one can grow. Rather than avoid the feelings and that which is feared “the dark” , by exploring them, we are able to see past the darkness into the light, to look towards the shadows and once more find the joy. This reminder will be useful in giving me hope, which is something that is easy to lose sight of. Having Crohn’s, Depression, PTSD, and Fibromyalgia, it is easy to feel hopeless. But it’s important for me to see past my fears, to have hope and believe I will get better.


How do you intend to remind yourself of this particular truth that is sometimes forgotten? What would you remind your community? (Why not ask them to make reminders, too?)


I intend to remind myself of these truths by reading them daily (or more frequently if needed). When I’m feeling especially anxious I will look at this piece I’ve written and if I need to, will also write/blog. I will be tweeting the link to my blog, and also one of the pictures, to inform my “twitter community” of what I’m doing. I will suggest they make reminders in the hopes they find it helpful in coping.









@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for

http://www.whatthejules.com/april/335-hawmc-day-22-things-we-forget

#HAWMC Day 18: Open Book

HAWMC Day 18: Open Book

Open Book. For today’s post, open the nearest book (or find your favorite and open that!) to a random page and point to a word or phrase on that page. Using that phrase or word as your inspiration, free-write for 20 minutes – to be sure, set a timer and see what you’ve come up with.


What book did you choose and why?





“You are always going on about quotes and words and how wonderful they are. And they are, but remember you can play with them. You can put one in front of the other and make them say anything. You can hide behind words, but you can’t hide from feelings. At least, not forever… But actions and behaviors always speak louder than words. ”

(From the book: Girl on the Couch: Life, Love, and Confessions of a Normal Neurotic by Lorna Martin)



I randomly opened to this page and it’s ironic and shocking how fitting this passage is. Nail meet head! I do this. I “hide behind words”, because it’s safe. It’s easy to tell someone I’m fine when I’m not. It’s easy to say that I don’t need help or support. It’s easy to say ” I’ve got this”, to say “I’m strong”, to say, “I will beat this”, to say ” I am strong, I am a survivor.”


But in reality, what I am hiding is that I am afraid. Terrified. Of being vulnerable. Of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of being alone. Of failing. Of not being good enough. Not being strong enough.


It’s so easy to intellectualize feelings. It’s a defense mechanism, which I put up as a shield by which to prevent anyone from getting too close to me. And in that sense, I don’t run the risk of getting hurt. I mistakenly think that I am in control. Yet I’m not. The only thing I’m doing, by keeping people at a distance, is preventing them from helping me.









It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s in which the character Paul Varjak tells Holly Golightly:


“You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.’ “









I identify with Holly, because I too have put myself inside a cage, and I try to run from myself only to find that it’s not possible.



I use many mechanisms to do this, as stated above and as I am doing now, (Ha!) by writing about it, and by intellectualizing. But words are not substitutes for people. For actual physical contact. For actions. I can say I’m sad or depressed or scared but am I really allowing myself to FEEL my feelings? It’s so scary to open up wounds that hold so much pain. Yet lately I’m learning (through therapy and through my writing) that it is very important to learn how to recognize my feelings and sit with them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel. Because for too long I have “felt” numb (yes, quite the oxymoron). The only way to promote healing is to feel.


Yet all these words I’m typing are useless if not put into action, and by that I mean, by stepping outside of my comfort zone, outside of my “cage”. I need to let down my guard and let people in. That is the true way by which I will really heal and grow. It is called living, which I don’t really think I’m doing much of right now. Sure, I interact with people on twitter, and it’s greatly beneficial to me. But I’m using twitter as a substitute for real- life interactions. I joke that I “ran away” from facebook to join twitter, because it provides me with anonymity. But how is that benefitting me? I have run away from SO many people! I am avoiding lots of friends and family members. I feel so much guilt because these were the same people who provided me with so much love and support during my most difficult times. Those who visited me daily when I was in the hospital. Who never left my side. Who visited me when I was in the I.C.U. I am avoiding them because they saw me when I was at my most vulnerable state. At my lowest, most weakest point. And they accepted and loved me and supported me.


So why is it that I am so afraid of letting them back in? Fear. Of what? That is my biggest issue. I don’t allow myself the opportunity to be authentic. I am living in fear. And it is such a lonely and miserable existence. I realize that part of my avoidance is driven by my PTSD. I am avoiding people, places and things, which remind me of that horribly traumatic time. Yet how can I truly heal, if I don’t overcome this fear? How long can I go avoiding?


What’s your reaction to your free-write?
My reaction is that I am a scaredy - cat who can talk the talk but is NOT walking the walk. All these words are meaningless if not put into action, and yet… I have to let down my guard. I am fully cognizant of that. I acknowledge that behind my words is at heart, a 16 year old girl, who is *still* coming to terms with the fact that she has a life-threatening, incurable illness, but at the same time, this girl is *not* alone. This girl is also no longer a girl but an adult who has so many resources to help her get past her fears. I keep writing about how I want to live and have strength and hope and blah blah psychobable blah blah. I must reach in and give that 16 year old girl who is terrified a huge hug. Then I must open the door to the cage and step out. Then I must find a way to destroy that cage. Otherwise the temptation to go back into it will be too strong. And do I really want to “live” my life inside of a cage for the rest of my life? On the inside looking out? Is *that* really living? No, it’s not. I feel guilt, because I was given a second chance at life, and I am not living as fully as I should be, as I could be. (I SO hate feeling guilt and also the words: should’ve and could’ve). I guess what I’m dealing with, in addition to my PTSD is “survivor’s guilt”. Now that I have identified what is “blocking me” I must find a way to move beyond that block. To find the power within.


What did you uncover that surprised you?
I uncovered that I hide behind words but it didn’t surprise me, as I am aware of how much I am avoiding. It’s ironic that that which I am avoiding is that which can help me heal. I’m bleeding and a simple band-aid won’t suffice. The wound from which the blood is spurting requires immediate treatment. I can no longer run from myself, from my feelings, from my pain. I am vulnerable. I am very afraid. But deep down, there is courage and strength. A will to live, on my terms (whatever those terms may be). I am afraid and I don’t know. This is me. Right now. And I am letting it out, and putting it out there, rather than suppressing it. It is both terrifying and liberating to make this admission. But it is honest.



@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for

http://www.whatthejules.com/april/327-hawmc-day-18-open-book