down the rabbit hole of depression

unraveled
broken
sad
depressed
anxious
empty
emotional


I feel myself falling...
down...
down ...
down...
spiraling
...out of control...


tumbling down
the rabbit hole
of
depression

It happened so suddenly
I was fine on Friday.
I was ok Saturday morning.
But sometime later,
the physical pain
also became
emotional pain.


I find myself in this spot.
and don't feel like talking to anyone.


I'm in my safe space
and I've withdrawn.
I feel so empty
sad,
melancholic,
tearful


depression isn't something that can be easily explained or described,
you've either experienced it or you haven't.
And if you haven't, then you can't understand
the agony,
the desperation,
the rawness.


I'm learning that I'm an extremist.
I'm either happy, or sad.
I need the in- between.
The normalcy.
I'd been experiencing a sense of contentment.
What changed?


It doesn't make sense that I should go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other.
After all, don't most people exist in the "in -between"?
In the balance?


I'm not balanced.
I'm not whole.
I am not together.


I am fragile
I feel shattered
broken
lost
unraveled


I feel guilt and shame
So self-indulgent and self-centered
because I can't give to anyone else
I have nothing to give
I can't pretend I'm ok
I don't want to upset others
I don't want pity
I don't feel sorry for myself


I would much rather experience the physical pain
at least there is something I can do about it
I know how to treat it




But this emotional pain
is unbearable
it's got me in its grips
and won't let go


I can't distract myself
or ignore this pain
agony




I have this ability to get in touch with my pain
with my depression
I can go inside
and it scares me
what if the day comes when I'm unable to come out of it?




I've got a fresh wound that is bleeding
and I don't know how to stop the blood


I feel dead
unhealable


It's as if I've committed emotional suicide