that awkward phone call

That awkward phone call


that I just received
from a friend
I've had since the 5th grade.

Not said out right,
but clearly implied,
was,
" I miss you".

The irony,
that just hours earlier,
I wrote a piece
about being missed.

So the phone call
was very awkward
and uncomfortable.

 It ended awkwardly
with
 "let me know when you are receiving visitors".

Ouch! That really stung.

I was tense the whole time.

She brought up facebook
(on which I have gone M.I.A.
since summer of 2011!
at which point
I ran away to twitter)

You can run, but you can't hide.
 Life exists, and it is calling.

How much longer
can I stay
down this rabbit hole?
I like it down here,
in my world.
It is safe.


But my world
includes the people
whom I've excluded
pushed away
Hurt.

Because I am cognizant of how much I've hurt people.
And I feel so much guilt and shame over it.

I owe so many people apologies.

My departure was very sudden.

The onset of depression
crept over me
caught me unaware
so that it was a very
gradual process
that overtook me
in which I lost interest
in everything

Speaking to people
began to feel like a chore

So many questions
about how I was doing
every
single
day.

As if my pain
and my condition
miraculously improved
in the course of
24 hours

Then there was the energy
which I did not have
to reciprocate
and get involved
in their daily lives as well
to ask questions
to engage in conversations

I couldn't engage in life

engaging
was so difficult
that I withdrew

so many unanswered calls
texts
emails

so many people
with whom I lost touch
people
who care about me
and must be feeling
hurt
confused
shunned

when they did nothing wrong


It's not you, it's me
 it really is me.
Or my depression

Depression
that is like a
captor
that has me locked away
from reality
imprisoned

but eventually the captive
must be freed
if not by will
then by force

I have to fight back
I am fighting back
daily

I give myself credit for that
slowly I am coming out of it
that depression

I am not the person I was a year ago

the person who "ran away" from facebook
and the person I am now
are two completely separate individuals
and yet they aren't

Is this a lie I am telling myself?

Is it that I am someone different
or that I am denying
and repressing a part of myself
the part
that is too painful
for me to acknowledge

There is a world out there
that I do belong to
whether I choose to accept it or not

While it is safe to be
down the rabbit hole
I can't stay here forever
it is not therapeutic

I can't hide behind
my diagnoses

And I realize now
that it is
 exactly 
what I've been doing

Yes,
I have PTSD
but how will I heal
if I don't address my fears
my triggers

Because the people,
places
and things
which I am avoiding
are
the people
places
and
things
which I need in my life

Maybe this call was a reality check for me
a reminder that I am missed
because I am wanted
and because I want it too.

I want to rejoin the world
I have changed
each day I grow
I've met new people
but I can't erase my past

Most importantly
I am not alone
I belong to a community
to my family
my friends

Even though I get in my way
though I lock myself up
and don't allow anyone else in

I can't blame the depression
it is not the captor
rather
it is me

I need to work on
bringing myself out
of this cage
and destroying it
to prevent myself
from feeling tempted

because once I lock myself up
it is so tempting
to throw away the key
and never
let myself out

yet that is no way
to live 
and it is not what I want