#HAWMC Day 18: Open Book

HAWMC Day 18: Open Book

Open Book. For today’s post, open the nearest book (or find your favorite and open that!) to a random page and point to a word or phrase on that page. Using that phrase or word as your inspiration, free-write for 20 minutes – to be sure, set a timer and see what you’ve come up with.


What book did you choose and why?





“You are always going on about quotes and words and how wonderful they are. And they are, but remember you can play with them. You can put one in front of the other and make them say anything. You can hide behind words, but you can’t hide from feelings. At least, not forever… But actions and behaviors always speak louder than words. ”

(From the book: Girl on the Couch: Life, Love, and Confessions of a Normal Neurotic by Lorna Martin)



I randomly opened to this page and it’s ironic and shocking how fitting this passage is. Nail meet head! I do this. I “hide behind words”, because it’s safe. It’s easy to tell someone I’m fine when I’m not. It’s easy to say that I don’t need help or support. It’s easy to say ” I’ve got this”, to say “I’m strong”, to say, “I will beat this”, to say ” I am strong, I am a survivor.”


But in reality, what I am hiding is that I am afraid. Terrified. Of being vulnerable. Of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of being alone. Of failing. Of not being good enough. Not being strong enough.


It’s so easy to intellectualize feelings. It’s a defense mechanism, which I put up as a shield by which to prevent anyone from getting too close to me. And in that sense, I don’t run the risk of getting hurt. I mistakenly think that I am in control. Yet I’m not. The only thing I’m doing, by keeping people at a distance, is preventing them from helping me.









It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s in which the character Paul Varjak tells Holly Golightly:


“You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified somebody’s going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.’ “









I identify with Holly, because I too have put myself inside a cage, and I try to run from myself only to find that it’s not possible.



I use many mechanisms to do this, as stated above and as I am doing now, (Ha!) by writing about it, and by intellectualizing. But words are not substitutes for people. For actual physical contact. For actions. I can say I’m sad or depressed or scared but am I really allowing myself to FEEL my feelings? It’s so scary to open up wounds that hold so much pain. Yet lately I’m learning (through therapy and through my writing) that it is very important to learn how to recognize my feelings and sit with them, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel. Because for too long I have “felt” numb (yes, quite the oxymoron). The only way to promote healing is to feel.


Yet all these words I’m typing are useless if not put into action, and by that I mean, by stepping outside of my comfort zone, outside of my “cage”. I need to let down my guard and let people in. That is the true way by which I will really heal and grow. It is called living, which I don’t really think I’m doing much of right now. Sure, I interact with people on twitter, and it’s greatly beneficial to me. But I’m using twitter as a substitute for real- life interactions. I joke that I “ran away” from facebook to join twitter, because it provides me with anonymity. But how is that benefitting me? I have run away from SO many people! I am avoiding lots of friends and family members. I feel so much guilt because these were the same people who provided me with so much love and support during my most difficult times. Those who visited me daily when I was in the hospital. Who never left my side. Who visited me when I was in the I.C.U. I am avoiding them because they saw me when I was at my most vulnerable state. At my lowest, most weakest point. And they accepted and loved me and supported me.


So why is it that I am so afraid of letting them back in? Fear. Of what? That is my biggest issue. I don’t allow myself the opportunity to be authentic. I am living in fear. And it is such a lonely and miserable existence. I realize that part of my avoidance is driven by my PTSD. I am avoiding people, places and things, which remind me of that horribly traumatic time. Yet how can I truly heal, if I don’t overcome this fear? How long can I go avoiding?


What’s your reaction to your free-write?
My reaction is that I am a scaredy - cat who can talk the talk but is NOT walking the walk. All these words are meaningless if not put into action, and yet… I have to let down my guard. I am fully cognizant of that. I acknowledge that behind my words is at heart, a 16 year old girl, who is *still* coming to terms with the fact that she has a life-threatening, incurable illness, but at the same time, this girl is *not* alone. This girl is also no longer a girl but an adult who has so many resources to help her get past her fears. I keep writing about how I want to live and have strength and hope and blah blah psychobable blah blah. I must reach in and give that 16 year old girl who is terrified a huge hug. Then I must open the door to the cage and step out. Then I must find a way to destroy that cage. Otherwise the temptation to go back into it will be too strong. And do I really want to “live” my life inside of a cage for the rest of my life? On the inside looking out? Is *that* really living? No, it’s not. I feel guilt, because I was given a second chance at life, and I am not living as fully as I should be, as I could be. (I SO hate feeling guilt and also the words: should’ve and could’ve). I guess what I’m dealing with, in addition to my PTSD is “survivor’s guilt”. Now that I have identified what is “blocking me” I must find a way to move beyond that block. To find the power within.


What did you uncover that surprised you?
I uncovered that I hide behind words but it didn’t surprise me, as I am aware of how much I am avoiding. It’s ironic that that which I am avoiding is that which can help me heal. I’m bleeding and a simple band-aid won’t suffice. The wound from which the blood is spurting requires immediate treatment. I can no longer run from myself, from my feelings, from my pain. I am vulnerable. I am very afraid. But deep down, there is courage and strength. A will to live, on my terms (whatever those terms may be). I am afraid and I don’t know. This is me. Right now. And I am letting it out, and putting it out there, rather than suppressing it. It is both terrifying and liberating to make this admission. But it is honest.



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