#HAWMC Day 20: There is No Miracle Cure

#HAWMC Day 20: There is No Miracle Cure

Write a news- style article on a miracle cure. What’s the cure? How do you get the cure? Be sure to include a disclaimer.

*Le sigh*

THIS is NOT an article I am interested in writing. Here’s why. I am not a doctor nor am I a scientist. I can’t just conjure up a miracle cure, out of the blue. I am a perfectionist. In order for me to even entertain the notion of “finding” a miracle cure, I would need time to do extensive research, because I would want this miracle cure to be as realistic as possible. I could take the easy route and say one day, I’m walking in the woods and stumble upon a bottle, which contains a magic potion that is the cure to Crohn’s Disease. Or as Alice, once I’ve dusted myself off after having taken my tumble down the rabbit hole, and wandered around in Wonderland, I arrive at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. At the party I drink tea and eat cake and I am miraculously cured of Crohn’s. It would be fun to take the time and daydream, imagine and create the perfect fantasy setting, in which I would not only find the cure but experience it myself. And having found it, I am thus the heroine who saves the day, and cure all my fellow Crohnies and IBD sufferers.

How can I come up with a miracle cure when I have not yet healed myself? How can I find a miracle cure? Wouldn’t it make sense to first find the cause of Crohn’s Disease, which to date has not yet been found? How can I find the solution without first taking a look at the cause?

I can’t do this. I can’t do this to myself. To pretend “what if” I found the cure. Because it’s not going to happen. I’m not trying to be negative, rather, I’d like to be realistic. Also, I don’t see how this particular exercise would be of benefit to me. Maybe I’m being too close - minded? Or maybe it’s the fact that I have two upcoming appointments tomorrow (with my therapist and with my primary care provider). I have PTSD worksheets that I need to work on. I am feeling anxious about going to the doctor, as well as having TWO back-to-back appointments! It is a lot! And these appointments ALWAYS make me SO anxious! Why? Because they trigger my ptsd.

I have to write because I am having so much anxiety right now that I need an outlet for it. I have completely gone off topic, but it is what it is. I have not completed my PTSD worksheet like I was supposed to which makes it pretty evident as to where I stand with it. I am still so raw and vulnerable, I’m so scared to open up those wounds, to re-live memories which I’d rather put out of my mind. People tell me that I have courage because I’ve shared so much on my blog, yet I feel like a complete coward. I plan on sharing my blog posts with my therapist, so that she can see that I am doing some work, to have evidence that I’m not completely avoiding my ptsd work. To validate myself, as I am doing work on myself, yet maybe not the work I should be doing. Or is it that I need to take my time to get there? Am I stalling and avoiding? Or am I leading up to feeling strong enough to work on things that require further exploration?

As I write this I’m feeling so self-absorbed!  Is this something that is normal for people who are in therapy? I know it’s good to do work on myself to overcome my ptsd and depression, yet I can’t help feel that I am very egocentric. I look on my twitter stream and see real issues: social injustice, wars, poverty, and then I look at myself and my concerns seem so trivial. It makes me feel ashamed and guilty, because my problems are nothing compared to what other people are suffering. I wonder if this is my depression talking or if it’s me? I acknowledge that it is important to address my mental health, yet sometimes I feel guilty. Because my depression, pstd, and anxiety have over-taken my life, thus preventing me from feeling like I have an active role in society.

Displaced. That is how I feel. Both physically and mentally, displaced. I don’t know where I fit in, because there is nowhere for me. I get lost in my wonderland (my head, my world). I’m so afraid. I don’t know what is in store for me in the future. I’ve got so much guilt. I feel guilty because I’m home bound and there is so much I could and should be doing (Gah! There I go, using two words which I don’t like! I don’t like that last sentence. At all.) I’m in mourning. I grieve for who I was and the life I led before it became disrupted. The before. It’s as if my life is now divided in half. The before: when I was working. Yes, I was sick and in pain, yet my life had value. And the after: the person whose life fell apart and is left having to pick up the pieces, left to accept that her life will never go back to what it was. The person who finds herself having so many thoughts that are running amok in her mind. I don’t know. And it’s this “not knowing” that leaves me feeling so powerless. Afraid. Stuck. Unable to move forward. Which then causes me so much anxiety.

This is how I feel right this very minute. These are the thoughts that torment me. I know I’ve got so much work to do. I have to be gentle with myself. I have to have hope. Yet I feel I’m in a dark place right now. It’s ok, because I’m feeling these feelings. Yes, they are making me uncomfortable. But I know that I will find my way back out. And I’m not alone. I have so much support.

Healing is a process. It is not linear. I will take one step forward, and two steps back, yet the importance is that I keep moving. And I am. The day will come when I can once again find my place. I’m not there yet… but I’m traveling. I refuse to give up.





@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for

http://www.whatthejules.com/april/331-hawmc-day-20-there-is-no-miracle-cure