HAWMC
Day
10:
Letter
to
my
16
year
old
self
Wow. This post has been such a hard one for me to write (I know I say that with each post, but I really mean it with this one). It is without a doubt the most intense, painful and meaningful that I’ve written (and may write) to date. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when I was 16 years old. It was a very difficult time. One which I don’t know how I got through. But I did, and I’ve avoided thinking about it for far too long. And now, I have to go back. And I’m so scared of going back to that place, of re-opening those wounds which have not fully healed. Yet how does that saying go, “what you resist, persists”?
*Takes a deep breath and in the spirit of Hemingway, prepares to “bleed.” *
Dear Kat,
You’ve just been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, after spending a summer in pain, and dealing with some very difficult symptoms. It began with a stomachache, frequent trips to the bathroom, and unimaginable pain. What should have been an exciting summer has been a scary one for you. Then you ended up spending 10 days in the hospital, undergoing a series of medical exams which were invasive and scary. You have never been so scared in all your life. Yet you have been so brave. You have kept a smile on your face and have kept your fears to yourself, so as not to worry your parents, because you see how much they are suffering.
(Here is where I’d like to tell you, that while it is an admirable trait to put others’ feelings before your own, you have to remember that you and your feelings are also important. It will take you over 10 years before you realize that suppressing your feelings and internalizing them will only lead you down the rabbit hole that is depression.)
I wish I could tell you that all the medications and symptoms you are experiencing as a 16-yr old will go away years later, but they won’t. You will get much more sick before you get better. I won’t tell you to do things any differently than you are doing them now, because though I wish you (or is that we) had done some things differently, you don’t. In some ways you still are very much the 16 year old girl: still trying to find herself, still understanding what her life is like to not only live w/Crohn’s disease but also with depression, still trying to find her place in the world (both as a person and as a professional).
One thing I do wish, my dear 16 yr old Kat (please don’t think I’m being condescending here) is that you worry less about things. You really stress yourself out way too much. Things have a way of working out, you know. Take some time to enjoy yourself and live in the moment.
Despite starting the school year off with a bang (a week after being discharged from the hospital), you do very well both Junior and Senior year. You are a bookworm and love school. Being sick only makes you more determined to do well with your school work and it pays off as you graduate with honors and go on to do well in college.
But my dear Kat, once again, another um, scolding, or word of wisdom. Don’t hide behind your schoolwork. Yes, you like studying but don’t use it as a crutch or substitute for hiding your feelings. *sigh* You will do well in college, and meet some very interesting people (professors and classmates). But becoming what you think is the “perfect student” will come at a great price to you and that price is your health.
You will be hospitalized MANY times for flare ups due to your negligence when it comes to how you care for yourself and your Crohns! I am not reprimanding you so please don’t get defensive or blame yourself. I don’t blame you or hold any grudges. I understand why you do what you do. You see, you are so scared that your fear has manifested as denial. You are very afraid of taking a look at the impact that the diagnosis of Crohn’s disease has on you. On your life. On the quality of your life. Deep down you are petrified. So, rather than confront this fear and talk to someone about it, you put it out of your mind. And the fact that despite being thin you look healthy, does not help. People assume it must not be that bad, as not only do you look fine, but you say you are when really you are not! You mistakenly think that admitting you are in pain, or admitting your fears makes you a weak person. So you become quite a master of hiding your feelings. You even try to hide them from yourself. Yet you can’t, can you? This only makes you conflicted because by denying yourself from dealing with your feelings you are never at peace with yourself.
You are very vulnerable yet hate admitting it. But it does have its benefits as you are drawn to others in whom you see qualities similar to yourself. This is one reason for which you are drawn to the field of psychology. You excell in this field and a significant class for you will be Community Psychology, as that class will lead you to have an internship in an outpatient clinic which serves a population that is chronically mentally illl and homeless. You have never worked with this population, yet from your first day at the internship, you feel such a kinship with these individuals. Here you see human beings who other people would ignore. You see how vulnerable they are. How fragile and broken. You see yourself in them. And in that instant you know that this is a population with whom you want to work upon your graduation from college. And you do!
Once you graduate college you get a job as a residential counselor and you love it. You are doing work you’ve dreamed of as you are helping others and in doing so you are also helping yourself. But once again, because you continue to be in denial, you put your work before your health. Once again you become ill frequently, but continue to work, choosing to ignore the pain. Until the day comes when you can no longer ignore how sick you have become. The Crohn’s monster, who will not be ignored, once more rears it’s ugly head.
So, my dear Kat, just be who you are and don’t be so worried about how life will work out. You will have bumps along the way, and fall many times. But you always pick yourself back up. Don’t do anything differently, even if it makes it harder for you. Accept yourself as you are now and as you will be when you catch up to the person writing this to you.
Before I close this letter, I want to take you in my arms and give you a hug, stroke your hair, and encourage you to feel safe enough to cry. To let down the walls you put up that keep others out. The most important piece of advice I can give you (which you don’t want to hear because you are 16 and think you know EVERYTHING!) is that you don’t have to take on the weight of the world by yourself. It is okay to ask for help. Please don’t try to do this alone. Because you can’t. And it doesn’t make you weak for seeking support. In fact, it makes you stronger. And you are such a strong individual. I am proud of you and I hope you will proud of who you later become. As you get older your realize that you are a fighter, a Crohn’s warrior and you never give up, no matter how difficult things get.
Ps. Enjoy high school (don’t argue with me, just listen). It will be one of the best times of your life. Pss. Ok, only giving you one spoiler, Can’t help it, so listen up: When you have that surgery in 2010, two of your favorite high school English & Lit. teachers not only visit you in the hospital, they bring you books! Yes, you are still very much the bookworm. Ok, that is it, yes, probably *not* the spoiler you want, but *the* best parts, well, you have to wait for them! ;)
Never forget how much I love you!
-Kat
@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for
http://www.whatthejules.com/april/311-hawmc-day-9-letter-to-my-16-year-old-self
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