Quotation
Inspiration
#HAWMC
“Well, when I was lost, I suppose it’s good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who’d ever think to look for me here? Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn’t be here. But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”
- Alice, Alice in Wonderland
When it comes to giving advice to others, I think I do fairly well. I love listening to what is troubling others and helping them work through their challenges. I love to offer comfort and support to those who are in pain. Because I have been there. This is a trait which came in handy at my previous job, as a residential counselor. The population with whom I worked is one which is usually the invisible and ignored population: the homeless, who are both mentally ill and substance dependent. I have never been homeless, nor am I an addict. Yet I have always related to this population. We share so many commonalites: experiencing pain and suffering, feeling invisible, stigmatized, fragile, broken, unwanted. I have felt all those things.
I worked as a residential counselor for 3 years. It was wonderful. Challenging, stressful, yet I was able to connect with fellow human beings, and it was the best feeling in the world. I have always felt comfortable in the role of “helper”. I am comfortable and used to caring for others. I know what it’s like to be at the mercy of service providers. Some who have been great, and others, who have left much to be desired. In 2010 I had to stop working as a result of my Crohn’s Disease. Realisticallly, I should have stopped working much earlier than 2010. But I loved my job so much, that I ignored my body. Which ultimately, I would pay for. The biggest irony is that in my job, as a counselor at a rehab, something I would constantly encourage my clients to do was to take care of themselves. This includes both physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yet here is where I failed. Because, much like the above quote, I am great at giving advice, but seldom follow it. I put my love of my job, before myself. I neglected my health. I pushed myself. And now, looking back, I wonder how things may have turned out had I taken action much sooner. But I don’t like to dwell on this too much, because then I only feel regret. And what good is that? I can’t go back and change things. I can’t beat myself up for ignoring my health. What I went through led me to where I am now, fow which I am grateful. Because I have met some very amazing and inspirational people.
Though I have carried the diagnosis of Crohn’s disease for over 10 years, it had never occured to me to seek support for my mental health. Because, as the queen of denial, I repressed how living with a chronic illness affected me. And by doing so, I only made it easier for me to fall further down the hole of depression. “Well, when I was lost, I suppose it’s good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who’d ever think to look for me here? ” I spent months in bed, unwilling to talk to anyone. I completely shut out friends and loved ones. I couldn’t talk about what was going on with me, much less let anyone in to understand what I was feeling. I knew something was wrong, but until I saw my Gastroenterologist, I hadn’t accepted that something was wrong. That I was severely depressed and that unless I did something about it, there woud be no way I would be able to come out it.
I both identify and struggle with accepting and forgiving myself for where I currently find myself, because, ” If I had listened earlier, I wouldn’t be here.” I take responsibility for being here today, living life on my terms, which includes making mistakes along the way. Do I do things the easy way? Of course not! Finding the most ridiculously difficult way to do something is my way. Does it complicate my life? Yes. Do I stress myself out? Of course! But I’m learning the importance of self acceptance which includes: being compassionate with myself, not judging myself too harshly, and most importantly, forgiveness. I forgive myself for not having listened to my advice in the past (and I also forgive myself for ignoring my own advice in the future which probably will happen, because I learn things the hard way!)
I started therapy back in October of last year to address my depression, and it has been great. I wish I had started going to therapy sooner, because it is helping me to understand myself. It is helping me to make peace with all that I have been through as a result of living with Crohn’s Disease. I am not yet “found” rather, I consider myself a work in progress. It allows me to say, I am not perfect, yet for now, I am ok.
@hipsteralice, April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for
http://whatthejules.com/april/290-quotation-inspiration-hawmc
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