HAWMC
Day
12:
Stream
of
Consciousness
“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
Something that has been on my mind since I’ve been participating with HAWMC has been what makes a person creative and whether creativity is something which I posses. While I don’t consider myself creative, I greatly admire others’ works of art: paintings, drawings, music, writing. When taking a look at my blog, I see that it has become a vehicle for which not only have I been able to channel my pain and suffering, but my creativty. Thus, I have learned that I too am creative. This is of significance to me, because I need that validation. Something tangible to show for what I’m going through. Because as someone who is not only Chronically Ill but homebound, it is so easy to feel that I have no value. After all, prior to finding myself “disabled” I worked daily, and in that sense, I was in fact “producing” as a member of the paid work force. As a residential counselor, I contributed by helping others. I did work and my value was felt, not only through the thanks I received, but via a paycheck. Then I found myself unable to work, and instead have found myself at home, feeling worthless and envious of those who while complaining about it, are able to go out and work, everyday. I have found that I am not unique in feeling like an unproductive member of society. This is a feeling that is all too common amongst those of us who are homebound due to the disabling natures of our chronic illnesses.
It is when we are at our lowest points that we are given two options: to give up and complain (or as stated by MLK as quoted above, “react with bitterness”) or to use this as an opportunity from which we can gain strength, and take a look at our lives, and derive meaning from our pain and suffering. To use it for good. I choose the latter. I am not going to say that I have never given myself a pity party. I have my bad days, after all, I am human. And I’ve found how important it is to allow myself to feel, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. The important thing is that no matter how bad I feel, I acknoweldge the feeling, try to understand why I’m feeling that way, do something about it (if I can) and move on. It is crucial for my well being to move past feelings that bring me down, otherwise I remain “stuck.” I have found that this blog allows me a vehicle with which to allow myself to feel, to analyze, to grow.
By partaking in HAWMC I have been able to write about my experience, as someone living with Crohn’s Disease, Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety, and by doing so, I’ve become an active voice that is reaching out to others, mostly those with whom I interact on twitter. I am getting so much feedback and support from people who not only read my blog but who can relate to what I’ve written. I’ve learned that my experience has value. That I have value. Just because I am unable to go out and “work” at a “job” doesn’t mean I have any less value. It doesn’t mean that I then burrow under my duvet and watch T.V all day (nothing wrong with that, as I do this frequently, ha!), it means that I can do something as simple as blog about my experience, which not only helps me heal, but with the hopes that someone else can see that being sick doesn’t take away from our value.
We all have a voice, we all have our stories, and we deserve to be heard. I choose to use my experience as a tool to transform myself and grow. And each day I feel myself growing stronger and transforming into a chronically awesome individual who amongst other things, happens to have a chronic illness. I am discovering my gifts and talents. I have a chronic illness, but it does not have me. And that is a very powerful feeling.
@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland for
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