#HAWMC
Day
8:
Best
Conversation
I
had
this
Week.
Not knowing what to write about for today’s topic ended up giving me anxiety which became a conversation that led to this post. Lmao. isn’t it funny how this works?
Kat: I am frustrated, irritated and annoyed because I don’t know what to write about for today’s topic.
Chronically Awesome Person: What is your topic?
Kat: I’m supposed to write about a conversation I had this week and I have no idea which conversation to write about. Gah! *head desk*
Chronically Awesome Person: Hahah. Relax. Think about a conversation that stands out to you. I’m sure you’ve had many good ones this week.
Kat: *Sigh* Yes, I’ve had lots of great ones. Hmm. Will have to focus on one or maybe sum up a few… what do you think?
Chronically Awesome Person: LOL. Sure. Whatever you think is best.
Kat: Ok. I will try. Thank you.
The following conversation is actually a summary/morphing of a few conversations I had this week, which I’ve changed so as to maintain the anonymity of those with whom I conversed.
Chronically Awesome Person: Kat, great job on your post, it took courage to expose yourself, yet you opened up, which takes strength.
Kat: I don’t feel strong. What does being strong mean? How do I acknowledge my strength?
Chronically Awesome Person: You are showing your strength through your writing.
Kat: Thank you. I don’t feel that what I’m expressing is any different from anyone else. We’ve all experienced difficulties through our diagnosis and what we’ve been through. I don’t consider myself unique.
Kat: I’m blogging for myself. To help me come to terms with my feelings. I don’t think about how what I’m doing is affecting others, much less consider how it will help them.
Chronically Awesome Person: Today’s blog seemed like a departure from previous days. I sense you are reaching the areas you find most difficult to expose yourself to, the uncomfortable reality of living through such a difficult experience
Kat: It is difficult to go back and open up the wounds of the past yet it is also a cathartic experience. I feel that the only way for me to truly heal and move on is to look at the source of pain. I hope that will help me grow.
Chronically Awesome Person: You have more courage than myself, i would find it difficult to open up the entirety of the physical and mental damage endured, I think you are brave and your writing is wonderfully honest. As the blog continues i hope you will fully come to terms with how the illness, the trauma and recovery you have lived through has formed the strength of character that you clearly have
Kat : I feel I’m growing stronger.
Chronically Awesome Person: We are getting stronger everyday even if we aren’t aware of it. But we are.
Disclaimer: While these conversations did happen with real people and not the voices in my head (ha) it just feels so cheesy to me. I mean, I am focusing on the support I’ve received from people who have taken the time to read & give me feedback. Yet I’m concerned that I may come across as self-congratulatory. Which is not how I want to be perceived. I do appreciate the support, as it reinforces my decision to take part in the writer’s challenge. I would be remiss to ignore the impact that others’ feedback has had on me. Whether good or bad, I welcome comments, not only to help me as a writer, but to open up a dialogue about our experiences & how we cope (whether it be w/Crohns/Mental Health/or our Chronically Awesomeness)
For this past year and a half I have pretty much been in “survivor” mode. By that I mean, the “fight or flight” mode. Just focusing on getting through each day, but not really stopping to analyze myself, for fear that I will get lost in my thoughts and in my depression, fall apart, and like Humpty Dumpty, never be put back together again. With the start of attending therapy back in October of last year, along with my participation in this HAWMC project, I am able to slowly move beyond just “being” in survivor mode, to actually living. If that makes any sense at all. What I’m trying to say, is that I’m slowly healing. I am slowly moving out of my depression, connecting with others, and making peace with what I’ve been through. That is not to say that I don’t have my bad days: days in which I have a fear that is so strong, it renders me unable to move, unable to want to do anything but just “be.” I am slowly having an interest again. This is a big step for someone who has depression, because I’ve had so many months where I’ve found it hard to have any motivation or interest in anything. To feel even a tiny spark of hope, is significant. And that spark is ignited by the people with whom I have contact everyday via twitter.
To those people who have had faith in me when I haven’t had faith in myself, I cannot thank you enough for your support. Your kindness and support means more to me than you will ever know. Or hopefully, if you read this, then you will know how touched and inspired I am by you.
Thank you. <3
~~~~
@hipsteralice
April Blogger in Residency
Alice in Crohnsland
for
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